IS IT EVER ACCEPTABLE TO CHEAT ON YOUR MATE?

One of my favorite movies is currently playing on AMC- Bridges of Madison County (1995). It stars Meryl Streep and Robert Redford. Streep plays a married mother with three children whose family leaves town for a 5-day period to attend a fair. Robert Redford comes into town to shoot a covered bridge for Life Magazine. The two meet, fall in love and Streep has the difficult choice of remaining in her somewhat boring, ordinary marriage or running off with Redford who has the ability to give her all that she has ever desired.

Is it ever acceptable to cheat on your mate? Or to leave your mate for a potentially better prospect?

Men traditionally have been the worst offenders of infidelity but I think women have caught up with us and maybe have surpassed us. Women have decided to step out and get their swerve on.

I know the first thing that people will say is “If you are unhappy than just leave.” I agree, if you are not in a fulfilling relationship then tell that person to “kick rocks” But what if you are in a marriage? It’s not that easy.

When you are married, you have finances, children, and other assets that complicate the situation. If you are a man, dealing with a scorned woman and the judicial system you don’t stand a chance. So some people choose to dabble in the possibilities.

If you are dating someone and it’s just going ok is it acceptable to date another woman or man?

What are your thoughts on this subject?

HE MUST HAVE SOMETHING TO HIDE … OR MAYBE HE DOESN’T

 

Men by nature have a cautious spirit when it comes to allowing a woman into the most intimate details of our lives. Many of us have been burned in the past by crazy stalking b****** or bad divorces that cause us to really take our time in opening our world up. As a woman, you may say “well I told you my life story within the first two days of dating now it’s your turn”. No, it doesn’t work like that.

As men we have been groomed by our fathers, uncles, and other men we respect to always be careful with the amount of information you give a woman because at anytime if that woman feels scorned you have hell to pay. Some men even take this philosophy into their marriages and I totally disagree with that. Once you make the decision to marry you become an open book to your mate. No secrets.

 

As a man I am very cautious about how much of my world I let you into initially. Why, because I DON”T KNOW YOU LIKE THAT. As time goes on, things begin to reveal themselves.

 

 

For a lot of women, this is not fast enough and their girlfriends tell them that the man must have something to hide and they start creating scenarios of a secret life, with a secret family, etc. Sometimes boys have something to hide, but real men do not. Ladies, girlfriends with no men or any semblance of a long-lasting relationship are the wrong people to seek advice from. I would never ask a broke person how would I sustain wealth?

I do feel that within a reasonable amount of time and growth in the relationship, all things should be revealed.

Never make your man feel pressured or give him the impression that you don’t trust him (unless he has given you reason to). As men we don’t like that and we are very inclined to tell you to “kick rocks” and keep it moving

Be patient. Be careful, if you present him with an ultimatum he will leave.

WHY WOULD A MAN DATE A WOMAN WHOM HE HAS NO INTENTION OF MARRYING?

This question appeared on my friend’s Facebook page about a month ago. My immediate thought was if I knew of anyone who was currently doing this..and the answer was yes. Then I asked myself if I had ever done this and the answer was a resounding yes. There are two reasons why this occurs. We will explore the first reason today.

Reason number 1…We view dating differently.

Men seem to be the greatest culprits of this injustice. Not that we do it intentionally, we just view dating differently then women. In my experience, women look at dating as a means to qualify a potential mate. If he fits her criteria, after a certain amount of time he should pop the question. A lot of men see dating as an escape from the everyday stresses of life and also an opportunity to kick it with someone at barbeques, get their freak on with and act as a companion to business functions. If it turns into a long-lasting romance, then that is a bonus.  I went through this stage in my early 20’s and the last thing I thought about was settling down. Society plays a large part in how each respective gender views dating and marriage.

When a woman becomes engaged everyone is happy and even a couple of tears are shed. A male friend of mine recently broke the news to us and he was met with a moment of silence and then my boy was like “You sure you want to do that?”

I look forward to remarrying, but sometimes I honestly wonder if I want to take that plunge. Not that I am a man whore or commitment phobic, but I get turned off relatively easy in relationships and it’s easier to move on to the next. I respect the vows of marriage and the covenant made with GOD, but I sometimes wonder if I can or desire to deal with the lows that come in marriage.

Why do some men continue to date women that they have no intentions of marrying?

Because that was not our mind-set from the beginning. If, during the course of dating, a man realizes that this woman is not “marriage material” but she’s cool people, he will continue to date and enjoy life until he is given an ultimatum. Once that ultimatum is given, he is more likely to move on to the next woman and the process begins all over again.

If a man’s mindset from the beginning is not matrimony, you will be hard pressed to get him to change. If a man has the desire to marry at this time in his life and he does not pop the question, it is something about your relationship that is holding him back.

Find out where he stands on this issue and then BELIEVE HIM.

 

WE ARE BROWN MEN AND WE ARE SPECIAL

Yesterday was one of the most rewarding days for me as a parent. It started off with me participating in All Pro Dad breakfast at my 8 year old’s school. It is a national program that promotes positive interaction of men with their children. My son and I participated in various activities geared towards dialogue and bonding between us. I reminded my son that as long as I have breath in my body that I will ALWAYS be his greatest supporter. He smiled and said I know. Mission accomplished.

Next I headed out to find birthday party hats for my youngest son’s party at his daycare. He was turning 3 and his mom wanted to do cupcakes and ice cream…cool. When I walked into his class he took off into a sprint towards me and said “Hey daddy, today is my birfday and I am 3 “(as he holds up two fingers).  He then proceeded to tell every child in the class one by one that I am his dad. It reminded me of how proud I would be when my dad would come to eat lunch with me all G’ed up his suit when I was an adolescent. I was glad to see that my youngest was proud of me as well.

Towards the end of the party, I shared an embrace with both of my boys and my youngest says dad “we special”. This is something that I tell my boys all the time. We are Brown men and we are special. Special because we are strong, intelligent, high character guys, that share a bond that no other father and sons can rival.  We are special because regardless of how old we get, we will always share that special bond that no one can break.  We are special because even in our darkest hour, we know that the Lord and each of us will be there.  We are special, not because we are perfect, but because our hearts are always in the right place.

SHE CAME TO THE DOOR IN A THONG AND HEELS … IF YOU KNEW WHAT I KNOW YOU WOULD TOO

I wrote a post earlier this week about my fantasy woman LisaRaye and was alarmed at the negative reaction from my female readers. Everything from “she’s a gold digger” to “she is not intelligent.” From a fantasy standpoint, who even cares if she can read, the sister is sexy. One woman alluded to the fact that she looked like a stripper and why would any decent man desire her at all.

One thing that my female readers need to understand is that men are visual and anything you can do to visually stimulate him. You should.

I once dated a woman who invited me over for an uneventful night of television watching. Upon my arrival, the door slightly opens and then shuts behind me and to my surprise she is wearing nothing but heels and a thong.

What made this so surprising is that this woman was very polished and corporate and very much carried herself like a lady. She explained that this action was just deserving of her man, and I was her man for the night.

I know some of you are concerned that your significant other would look at you in a negative light from this point on. I promise he will look at you differently but in an adoring manner. Every man appreciates a gesture of this type that is tailor made for him.

For me, after being married to a sexually prudish woman, I truly appreciated the special effort taken to appeal to my manly senses. It was right on point.

If you have a great guy in your life, ladies do what you can to keep him interested.

What is the sexiest act that you performed for your mate?

LISARAYE OR VICTORIA ROWELL…Decisions, Decisions

This past weekend I saw an episode of “All of Us” and this particular episode had LisaRaye and Victoria Rowell. Talk about some serious eye candy. I know that most of my posts  are thought provoking and at times pull at your heart strings, but we are going to digress on this one.

If I had the choice of LisaRaye or Victoria who would I choose?

Victoria, as many of you know, starred on the Young and the Restless for a number of years with no other woman rivaling her beauty with the exception of Vetta Sherwood. I didn’t know until recently that she will be 50 next May. Talk about a woman who has taken great care of herself. She always carries herself with class and dignity and is just striking in any setting. Very much the girl you would love to take home to mom.

LisaRaye who just turned 42, became a household name as the character Diamond in the movie The Player’s Club. LisaRaye instantly became every man’s fantasy because of her stunning looks and even most  importantly that body. She is what we call fine as all outdoors. Thick not fat, and curvaceous in all the right places. In the industry she is regarded as a difficult person to work with and not the most talented actress…who cares? The same could be said for Marilyn Monroe. She is definitely not the woman to bring home to mom (dad maybe) but would love to wake up to that every morning.

I know that it is not all about looks (although they help) and it is a woman’s personality and how she carries herself that is most important…but in fantasy world those rules do not apply.

After much thought LisaRaye wins by a nose. There is just sumin’ sumin’ about this woman.

Time to go buy Player’s Club

I’M READY TO SIGN THOSE PAPERS…PAPERS…PAPERS

For the very first time this weekend, I truly listened to the words of Usher’s new release “Papers”. I honestly had to pull over on the side of the road and gather myself. It reminded me of being in church and feeling as if the pastor was preaching directly to me. With every lyric of this song, I could truly relate to the brother. His pain was definitely my pain too.

What women don’t realize is that as men we go through the same emotional turmoil surrounding divorce that women do, we just express our emotions in a different way. When he said “I am ready to sign those papers…I done took all that I can take, but you leave me no options girl”. Damn, those were my exact sentiments when I was going through my divorce.

I loved my wife but so much had transpired, so much blatant disrespect by her and her family, I was running to sign those papers.

As men GOD holds us responsible for our families and regardless of the actions of our wives, we are to keep it together. My question was, “if you have a wife who is so self- centered and more concerned with her career than her family, what do you do?” GOD still has the expectation for men to maintain that covenant.

When a good man (like myself) decides to sign those papers, he is fed up and sees no other way for peace in his life other than to remove that woman from his life.

I felt Usher’s anguish, pain, and sense of failure through his music. People are saying that he should get over it because there are millions of women who would love to be with him, I was told the same (ok not millions…thousands.lol). The point is not who you could be with, but the tremendous sense of failure from the loss of your family.

My advice to him, sign those papers, ask GOD for his forgiveness, and move forward and find happiness after the storm. I know that I have.

Have you ever had that difficult moment right before a break up or divorce? How did you handle it?

WE THINK OUR CHILD WILL GROW UP TO BE PRESIDENT AND THEN ONE SENSELESS ACT CHANGES EVERYTHING

As a father, one of my greatest responsibilities is to raise two respectful, hard working, contributing citizens to this world. Young men who will grow up to be good admirable young men. In doing so, I go to great lengths to not expose them to certain cultures and lifestyles that I feel would steer them in the wrong direction. As a parent, I know that I can’t be with them 24/7, but I can do my best to keep them away from negative influences.

I am often criticized by my boys for raising them too soft because I will not allow them to listen to rap music or allow them to watch any show or movie with profanity. As a father of boys, you want them to grow up tough but not thuggish, polite but not sweet, and not a bully but definitely not a pushover.

My oldest (8) mentioned to me last week that he wanted to be President of the United States. I was happy for the goal because to him president represents the pinnacle. Even if he wanted to be a trash collector, I would be just as proud as long as he turned out to be a good guy. Even with all of these provisions in the blink of an eye, your child that you so protected can be gone.

Recently in Chicago, a young man who was an innocent 16 year old bystander of a fight was killed .

http://www.chicagobreakingnews.com/2009/09/derrion-albert-vigil-and-march-postponed.html

Although I didn’t know this young man, it still affected me because this was someone’s son. Someone who dreamt of great things for their child. Someone who possibly,  like me, did all they could do to prevent a certain element from being around their child.

You have to let a child be a child, but as a parent I worry.

LADIES WE HEAR WHAT YOU SAY…BUT THAT’S JUST NOT THE WAY TO SAY IT

 

Men are very sensitive creatures and as women you should be aware that it is not what you say as much as it is how you say it. But let’s keep it real, there is some s**t that you just don’t need to say PERIOD.

I recently hung out with the fellas and the subject of what annoys you the most about your mate came up. My boy Jay mentioned that his girl told him that he was not bringing in enough income to the household and some changes needed to be made. I didn’t see anything wrong with that because, hey, the numbers have to add up. This is where she blew it . . . I quote “My friend D said that a real man would get out and get a part time job to pick up the slack for his family” WHAT THE F**K?

I don’t normally curse because I was taught that cursing shows a lack of vocabulary. Sometimes a curse word is the only word that can adequately convey a thought. So again, WHAT THE F**K?

His whole contention in this situation was right on point with my view. Why are you talking to your boy D about our financial situation anyway? Secondly, why would you even repeat that conversation with me? Why because women think by embarrassing us in front of other men, it will move us to action. Wrong, men will do the opposite in order to prove a point.

Ladies know that D was a friend in this situation, but D represents other men who are not your husband (i.e., your dad, his dad, your pastor, his boy, your gay male friend, the mailman, your uncle, your cousin, a bum on the street who looks like an expert on men).  Do not talk to another man about your man.

The better approach would be to sit down with him to discuss and then show the effects of lack of funds. Go a couple of weeks without your hair being done (if you normally go every week) or wear something less flattering to bed and tell him the little number he usually likes is too small and the extra money is not there to replace it. I am not condoning this, I am just saying it is a better option than telling another man.

We are not concerned about how another man runs his household because at the end of the day WE are responsible for our families.

Ladies there are just some things you should keep to yourself.

GOD CHOOSES YOUR MATE…I DON’T THINK HE DOES

I hear people say all the time that they are “sitting back and waiting for GOD” to deliver their mate.  At one time I believed the same thing.  I used to say that there is someone for everybody, it’s just my person must have died at birth. After dating a couple of people who I thought GOD chose for me and eventually marrying one (now divorced), I came across a book that changed my method of thinking.

Dr. Myles Munroe authored a book titled “Understanding the Purpose and Power of Woman” and it introduced an interesting concept.

He said that GOD does not choose your mate but instead gives you viable options.  If GOD were to choose anything for you it would be Salvation which to HIM is the most important thing.  So GOD will put different people in your life as possible options.

If you can, imagine keys on a key ring and the keys represent your options that GOD is providing you.  It is up to you to choose the key that fits your heart perfectly. As men and women we too often make the mistake of forcing a key that does not fit.

I believe dating and getting to know different people at the same time is vital to choosing your soul mate.  Understand that means being open and honest with all parties involved so there is no confusion.

Once you make the choice and present them to GOD you are to honor your vows whether it is the right choice or not.

What are your thoughts on this topic?